Today SUCKS.

Here's to hoping that somehow, someway it all gets better....before I have a nervous breakdown.

Thanks for listening.


Bob Rocks!

I have to give Bob kudos for some totally awesome Christmas presents this year! With the seemed it would be a bit of a challenge. However, he came through maybe the best he's ever done!

After a few presents were opened....I had a stack of books and CD's. He was bummed. I wasn't! I LOVE books! He bought me 4 of Robert Whitlow's books. I've never read his before. I'm sure they will be great! :)

He also bought me another Brandilynn Collins book. :) I LOVE LOVE LOVE her books! If you haven't gotten a chance to read them, come borrow some! I've read 6 now I believe. I am starting another series...and we have to finish buying it. I only have 2 of the 4 books needed. She writes fantastic...and none of her books parallel each other. They are all unique and different. And awesome! He was able to email her and get me autographs for each book. And bookmarks! It was a fantastic gift!

He also bought me 3 seasons of the Gilmore Girls...ON SALE. He's a great shopper!

AND he got me a digital photo frame for my desk. My girl scrolls picture after picture all day long! :) She's beautiful and I find myself smiling or giggling over certain pictures (I did that when I pulled up the blog and there she is in the sink with her hair sticking up...and looking oh so happy!).

AND he got me aloe socks. :) They are so soft and comfortable!

He put so much thought into my gifts...wanting to get me good stuff. :) He did a great job. Everything he bought I will be able to use and enjoy. :)

Thanks, sweetie :)

Merry 5 days after Christmas! :) OR should I say Happy New Year's Eve Eve. :) hehe



I am absolutely heartbroken today. After 10 wonderfully fantastic days off with my girl, I had to go back to work. It was an awesome vacation and an awesome awesome Christmas with her. She amazes me more and more every day. I miss spending our days playing, hugging, laughing, and just soaking up as much of her as I can. I'll fill everyone in on our Christmas in more detail when the thought of doing it doesn't make me want to cry.

She's my girl. My awesome girl.

Here's a few pics of her....They'll definately make you smile :)

She loved playing with Santa Claus...though he would occassionally get decapitated...

Just IMAGINE the scheming in those eyes!...

Christmas morning at home....(Post can see in the prior pics she needed it!)...

Christmas Eve at Grandma Parsons....she LOVED the rocking horse and cowgirl hat...The pointing her hand like a gun is all her!

Scroll down to the next post for a few more pictures!

A Few More Pics....

I couldn't help but post more!

She LOVES her George...and crackers... :)

Loves to have her picture taken!...

WE had fun with her bath....though I don't think SHE did!...

Cute picture...that hair!...



Oh my lands, they are hilarious! We help with 4-5 year olds in Awana on Wed. nights. There are two boys in that class that were particularly interested in my rapidly growing belly. Some of their comments and questions cracked me up! They wanted to know:

Is he really in there??? "Yes, he's in there."
Does he have a name??? "Yes, his name is Alex." You already named him!? they said.
What does it feel like? Does it hurt??? "Nope, it sort of....tickles...."
There's not a real baby in there! It's a fake baby! (Then one of them wanted to punch my belly). "No, no. There's a REAL baby in there."

They were so funny! Back in October one of them asked me where babies come from....You get alot of detailed questions when you're pregnant around such young children! It was a very enjoyable night with all of those kids. When I stop helping, I'm going to miss them!


We Remember...

Three years ago at 1:10 a.m. this morning, Emily was delivered - 5 inches long...1 1/2 oz. So small. Too small. We said goodbye before we got to say hello. It was such a horrible night. Then we we were faced with a decision we never expected...whether or not to see her. No one could prepare me for making that decision. It was a struggle of my heart like no other. I had in my head all these visions of Emily that had formed...what should I do??? We prayed about it and prayed about it. We decided against it. Part of me feels like it was the right thing to do. She wouldn't have looked as I would have expected. No one could prepare me for what I was going to see. Bob says it was the right decision too. But there's that part in me....the mommy part, I guess....that feels like I SHOULD have seen her. No matter how different she would have looked...I should have done it. That's a regret that I have to live with. Wondering if I made the right decision.

What would she have looked like growing up? Would she have had my brown hair? I think so. I always thought so. She would have been one beautiful girl. What would her laugh have been like? Her cry? What would her mannerisms have been? What would be her favorite things to do? There are so many special things about Maleah....and I know Emily would have had her own set of special things....and it kills me that I'll never know what they would have been. I can only imagine what could have been with her.

I don't remember much beyond that morning. I remember getting enough pain killers to sleep. I remember my mom on one side and Bob on the other....all night....never leaving me. I remember the chaplain coming in and referring to my lost child as a "fetus". That made me so mad. I remember my doctor coming in. I remember getting my box with my tiny memories of her. Ultrasound pictures. A blanket someone crocheted just her size. Her footprints....her tiny, tiny footprints. I remember being wheeled down to leave that hospital....nothing to hold but a tiny box of memories on my lap. While mothers get to leave with their babies that was all I got to take with me. I remember Bec calling on the ride home....then nothing. I remember absolutely NOTHING about the remainder of that day. Too much pain too remember, I guess.

We had her creamated. They did it for free. Her ashes were scattered at the base of a beautiful magnolia that we planted in our backyard on her due date, May 26th. That same day we planted her tree we announced to all our friends and family that we were expecting again. It was a bittersweet day. We also took all the memories we have of our angel and made a shadowbox. I've posted it below. There are ultrasound pictures, the blanket made for her, her tiny footprints in the top left, and the ornament that Nicole & KJ got us that year for our tree....parents to be....

My heart shattered that year, but somehow God in His magnificent glory found a way to mend it. Thank you, Lord.


Another Sad Day...

Three years ago today we made the dreaded trip up to Riverside Hospital so I could deliver Emily. It was a DREADED trip. I knew it had to be done, but hated that I had to do it. My mom and Bob took me up. It was a quiet ride. I won't mention alot about that day. It was long. Painful...both emotionally and physically. Silly me, in all of my optimism, had to have the nurses do one more ultrasound....just to make sure that they were right...that my baby was really gone...There was that part of me that just thought they'll do that ultrasound and she'll be fine and I'll be able to go home...No mother should ever have to go through that. Going through labor pain after labor pain knowing that there's no joy once it stops.

I'm thankful that Bob was by my side. I'm thankful that my mom was by my side. That my dad came when he got off work and stayed all evening. That Nicole and K.J. came up to see us with the kids. That Bob's parents came and stayed until Emily was delivered. You never know how you're going to react to a situation until it happens. I needed the distractions. I needed PEOPLE. And they were there for me. Seeing everyone there made an unbearable day more bearable (if that makes any sense).

One of the things that stands out the most about that day is Pam. Pam was one of my many wonderful nurses. I had been put on painkillers...and was a little fuzzy. I remember her big, beautiful smile as I introduced her to Bob. Turns out it was the THIRD time I had done that. That's something I can remember about that day that doesn't hurt so badly. But for the most part, I try not to think about that day. The hurt, the pain, the's too much.

This experience in my life showed me just how powerful God is. He got me through it. He gave me the strength to wait as long as I had to to deliver her. He gave me the strength to suffer through that day. He gave me the strength to deliver her. I could never have done it without Him carrying me...and that He placed two loving people on my right and on my left to never leave my side...

Thank you, Lord, for getting me through that day and the painful days to come. I never could have done it on my own. I know You carried me. I never could have walked that path. Thank you, Lord. I love You.


A Sad Day...

Today has been a sad day. It's been 3 years since the checkup appointment when I found out my precious angel was gone. Three years seems like so long ago and not so much all at the same time. It hurts. Today it really hurts. Memories can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Today, they're my enemy. Today Christmas is sad to me. Today so many little things remind me of that day. It hurts deep inside. I know it'll get always does. This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I can't help but remember that day. Being at home...Maleah napping...a quiet afternoon...too much time to think.

That's why humor is my defense mechanism. I don't like to hurt. She'll be up soon...we'll have a fun rest of our day...and in a few days the "remembering" days will be passed for another year. For now, I just have to pray that God will take that pain away, make these next 2.5 days easier. Make the memories fade...

That day three years ago, I don't remember if it was sunny or cloudy. I remember it was cold. I remember leaving that doctor's office all by myself and having to call Bob at work to tell him the bad news...I remember going to my mom's work and having to tell her...I remember calling Kathy at work, knowing she was the only boss who would ever understand the hurt I was going through. I remember telling Becky, Jaclyn, Stacy, Nicole, so many others... and feeling like a failure. I couldn't protect my daughter. I couldn't give her life. She was gone. I remember it was one of the longest days of my life. I remember Bob, my wonderful, wonderful husband, knowing me so well....knowing that going home that evening, her still being IN me but not WITH me...that I needed a distraction. We stopped at Walmart when we left my mom's that night...terrified to go home...and bought Season 1 of The Office. Anything to not allow me to sit there. And think. I love him so much for that small thing he did for me. He got me through that night.

I remember laying on the couch, crying, so sad....and the revelation that I had from God that He had blessed me with her...and she had been mine for 17 weeks because He allowed it to be so...and for reasons unknown to me He had deemed her too perfect for this world. I don't ask why. I never have. I never will. I am thankful to Him that I had her as long as I did. I was able to feel her move, if only just once, it was one more time than I should have been able to.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessings You have given me. For my beautiful angel, for my Maleah, and for the new life inside me. Protect Alex, keep him safe until he is born to us. Help him to grown to be healthy and strong. Shield me from the hurt and pain as the memories flow through my mind. Help me be strong, Lord. I love You so much. I pray that through these events, through the strength only You can provide, someone will see what a Rock You are...and come to know you, Lord. In Jesus Name.



There's something awesome and cathartic about blogging. It's a healing sense to your soul. It's sort of like a diary, journal and life stories all rolled into one. It's nice. Here lately, you would think I am the only person who blogs...mine seems to be so intriguing to so many people. Shockingly, I didn't create it, nor was I the Christopher Columbus of discovering the blogosphere. It's a blogosphere because so many people do it. I do it. Bob does it. Bec does it. My Aunt Mary does it. In fact, so many people do it, that even with all my hits I've had recently, my blog is still ranked almost 4,000. Bob has one that's just over 4,000 and another that is over 12,000 that he gave up on a long time ago. I'm not sure what Bec's is, but if the people at work find hers as well, then I assume she'll really start increasing in rank too :)

I love blogging. I really do. My family and friends can read it. They can catch up on Alex updates, Maleah updates, or just US updates.

I hope all my friendly readers keep coming back too. I like having you around! :)


You know something that really irks me? I love ABC Family during Christmas. They do the 25 Days of Christmas, and every evening are supposed to show Christmas movies, cartoons, etc...for those 25 days in December.

This year they did a countdown TO the 25 Days of Christmas and added an extra week or two of movies. I was so excited! I love Christmas and all the Christmas movies! What irks me is that during their 25 Days....and remember, it's ONLY 25 days....they are showing Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia....Now, come on! I'm sure there are many like me, who during this time, would love to see Home Alone, The Santa Clause, and many many more CHRISTMAS movies...

Like Bob says, snow in a movie does NOT make it a Christmas movie!

So that's my irk for the day. :)



My boss and I were talking a few days ago about all the nostalgia associated with Christmas. It seems like everyone has things that they do or watch or listen to that take them back to their fondest memories of Christmas.

My biggest one is The Oak Ridge Boys Christmas albums. My mom and dad would always play their songs on Christmas morning while we were opening our gifts. Every year, right before Christmas, it is a MUST to listen to those songs! Happy Christmas Eve, Christmas Carol, It's Christmas....these are some of the songs that I hear and it immediately takes me back to home as a child. I remember sitting in the living room at night with all the lights off and the tree lit, just enjoying the moment. Christmas is by far the most wonderful time of the's definately the most magical.

I also have to watch a Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman and even Garfield Christmas (It was on ABC Family last night actually). These were some of the most watched shows in our house. We also would sit in the living room and listen to the Scooby Doo Christmas on the stereo as well as the songs about Mixie-Pixie, I'm Gettin' Nothin' for Christmas, Alvin & the Chipmunks, etc. These were routine things we did almost every year.

I think of these every year, and still try to watch and listen to all I can that takes me back to those days. Not that I can complain about these days...we'll create memories for Maleah and Alex that I hope they will carry with them throughout their lives as well.

:) Merry Christmas! :)


Confession #80

O Holy Night....

Ok. This is embarrassing. I'm 27, and I just figured this out LAST YEAR. And the ONLY reason I figured it out is because during the Singing Christmas Tree we were lucky enough to have the words on the back screen....otherwise I would STILL be in the dark!

The line that says..."And in His name, all oppression shall cease."
I always thought it said..."And in His name, all the presents shall cease."

I had NO idea WHY those were the words....but that's what I thought it was! SO SAD!

Man, I am an IDIOT!

I should kneel down and kiss Bob's feet every night that he still loves me after all of this stuff! :)
(Don't get your hopes up, Hon, SOOOO NOT going to happen!)


Live Like You Were Dying

The month of November at church we did a series "Live Like You Were Dying". We had devotionals, it was the focus of Sunday School and Pastor did his sermons on the topic as well. It's a fantastic series, and I would recommend it to anyone.

It really makes you reflect...if I had only 30 days to live...what would I do?

I realized I wouldn't care to go sight-seeing, I wouldn't want to go around the world (or just the country) and see beautiful sights, I wouldn't try daring things such as jumping out of an airplane, I wouldn't even care to go to the ocean one last time. Though I don't fault those who would WANT to do those things, I can't take those experiences with me anyways, so to me....what would be the point???

So what WOULD I want to do? What I should be doing now. Spending time with those I love. Telling everyone I can about Jesus. About His Saving Grace. About how very easy it is to receive salvation. About the truth in Him. It's hard to do. Suprisingly harder when it's people that are close to you. I have dear friends and family whom I have not actually TALKED to about Jesus. What do I have to be afraid of? They aren't rejecting ME...they're rejecting HIM. I have to have faith in knowing that I cannot save them, but I MUST make sure they KNOW.

Funny how the world gets in the way of these things.
This has been a weird week for me. I haven't let it get me down. I WON'T let it get me down. I can't please everyone, and as much as I would LOVE to get along with everyone...this week has shown that that will probably never happen. No matter what my intentions are...other's intentions may be different. So all I can do is live my life with no regrets, express apologies and ask forgiveness where necessary, and forgive others who have wronged me so badly and hurt me so deeply that they will never understand. That's hard to do. That's what I am working on now. Please pray for me for this. I want to be all the Lord would have me to be...and I don't want to get in His way.

Thanks for listening. :)