A Sad Day...

Today has been a sad day. It's been 3 years since the checkup appointment when I found out my precious angel was gone. Three years seems like so long ago and not so much all at the same time. It hurts. Today it really hurts. Memories can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Today, they're my enemy. Today Christmas is sad to me. Today so many little things remind me of that day. It hurts deep inside. I know it'll get better...it always does. This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I can't help but remember that day. Being at home...Maleah napping...a quiet afternoon...too much time to think.

That's why humor is my defense mechanism. I don't like to hurt. She'll be up soon...we'll have a fun rest of our day...and in a few days the "remembering" days will be passed for another year. For now, I just have to pray that God will take that pain away, make these next 2.5 days easier. Make the memories fade...

That day three years ago, I don't remember if it was sunny or cloudy. I remember it was cold. I remember leaving that doctor's office all by myself and having to call Bob at work to tell him the bad news...I remember going to my mom's work and having to tell her...I remember calling Kathy at work, knowing she was the only boss who would ever understand the hurt I was going through. I remember telling Becky, Jaclyn, Stacy, Nicole, so many others... and feeling like a failure. I couldn't protect my daughter. I couldn't give her life. She was gone. I remember it was one of the longest days of my life. I remember Bob, my wonderful, wonderful husband, knowing me so well....knowing that going home that evening, her still being IN me but not WITH me...that I needed a distraction. We stopped at Walmart when we left my mom's that night...terrified to go home...and bought Season 1 of The Office. Anything to not allow me to sit there. And think. I love him so much for that small thing he did for me. He got me through that night.

I remember laying on the couch, crying, so sad....and the revelation that I had from God that He had blessed me with her...and she had been mine for 17 weeks because He allowed it to be so...and for reasons unknown to me He had deemed her too perfect for this world. I don't ask why. I never have. I never will. I am thankful to Him that I had her as long as I did. I was able to feel her move, if only just once, it was one more time than I should have been able to.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessings You have given me. For my beautiful angel, for my Maleah, and for the new life inside me. Protect Alex, keep him safe until he is born to us. Help him to grown to be healthy and strong. Shield me from the hurt and pain as the memories flow through my mind. Help me be strong, Lord. I love You so much. I pray that through these events, through the strength only You can provide, someone will see what a Rock You are...and come to know you, Lord. In Jesus Name.