We Remember...

Three years ago at 1:10 a.m. this morning, Emily was delivered - 5 inches long...1 1/2 oz. So small. Too small. We said goodbye before we got to say hello. It was such a horrible night. Then we we were faced with a decision we never expected...whether or not to see her. No one could prepare me for making that decision. It was a struggle of my heart like no other. I had in my head all these visions of Emily that had formed...what should I do??? We prayed about it and prayed about it. We decided against it. Part of me feels like it was the right thing to do. She wouldn't have looked as I would have expected. No one could prepare me for what I was going to see. Bob says it was the right decision too. But there's that part in me....the mommy part, I guess....that feels like I SHOULD have seen her. No matter how different she would have looked...I should have done it. That's a regret that I have to live with. Wondering if I made the right decision.

What would she have looked like growing up? Would she have had my brown hair? I think so. I always thought so. She would have been one beautiful girl. What would her laugh have been like? Her cry? What would her mannerisms have been? What would be her favorite things to do? There are so many special things about Maleah....and I know Emily would have had her own set of special things....and it kills me that I'll never know what they would have been. I can only imagine what could have been with her.

I don't remember much beyond that morning. I remember getting enough pain killers to sleep. I remember my mom on one side and Bob on the other....all night....never leaving me. I remember the chaplain coming in and referring to my lost child as a "fetus". That made me so mad. I remember my doctor coming in. I remember getting my box with my tiny memories of her. Ultrasound pictures. A blanket someone crocheted just her size. Her footprints....her tiny, tiny footprints. I remember being wheeled down to leave that hospital....nothing to hold but a tiny box of memories on my lap. While mothers get to leave with their babies that was all I got to take with me. I remember Bec calling on the ride home....then nothing. I remember absolutely NOTHING about the remainder of that day. Too much pain too remember, I guess.

We had her creamated. They did it for free. Her ashes were scattered at the base of a beautiful magnolia that we planted in our backyard on her due date, May 26th. That same day we planted her tree we announced to all our friends and family that we were expecting again. It was a bittersweet day. We also took all the memories we have of our angel and made a shadowbox. I've posted it below. There are ultrasound pictures, the blanket made for her, her tiny footprints in the top left, and the ornament that Nicole & KJ got us that year for our tree....parents to be....

My heart shattered that year, but somehow God in His magnificent glory found a way to mend it. Thank you, Lord.