Confession #49

I like to pluck animal fur. I know it sounds weird and I promise I'm no more of a weirdo than the person you already know....I just like to do it. Skittles always sheds so bad this time of year...and so does Sugar...and I love when they get these really fluffy tuffs of fur that are just begging to be pulled out. I love to pull them out. Why? I don't know. Maybe the feeling of it pulling, or maybe just feeling like you're cleaning...I'm not sure. I've analyzed it the best I know how, but I just don't know WHY. It's fun. :)

I know...I'm a weirdo. Tell me something I DON'T know! :)

Things to Ponder

Here are some of my own "Things to Ponder":

If Gizmo on Gremlins wasn't allowed to eat after midnight...at what point would one determine that he is allowed to eat again?

Names...they're so confusing...why is the nickname for William Bill and not Will? Richard Dick and not Rich? Robert Bob and not Rob? Theodore Teddy & not Theo? Henry is Hank? And why is the nickname for John Jack? Why does John need a nickname? Nicknames normally make words SHORTER, and you can't shorten John.

Well, anyway...those are some of my thoughts for today! See ya!

Missing Maleah

Mondays are the worst. I hate coming back to work and leaving Maleah at home. I spent the last 3 full days will her, and giving her up, even for 9 hours, is the hardest thing I do all week. For those mothers who've never had to leave your baby every day and go to work, you probably don't understand the severity of the hurt. But for those of you that are in my shoes....You know how I feel. I don't want to be here. I love my job. Very much. But Maleah entering my life has changed so many things. I want to be home. I want to be there...watching her play, sleep, cry, eat, fuss, bounce, jump, laugh, smile, giggle, give out baby hugs, pull my hair....I want to be there. I ache. I see her pictures all over my office and I ache. I want to throw in the towel and run home.

Mondays stink.

But Man, I LOVE my girl! :) She was MY GIRL all day yesterday. Wanted Mommy. Sweet as candy she was. Just loving me. Fussed when I left the room (both good and bad). I got her cracking up laughing too...that's always a blast. :)

I just miss her.....

Maleah

Maleah is six months old now. I can hardly believe it. She's amazing. She's learning to sit up on her own, rejecting a sippy cup, and taking on carrots. She is growing in size and personality. She loves to make people laugh. She loves the theme song to the Gilmore Girls. She doesn't like to sit much, she loves to stand (jump really). Here she is at 6 months...



If you want to see more, go to her page. My dad took the pictures and they are SO GOOD!

She's a doll baby! People tell you that you'll love your child more than you could ever know. It's an indescribable love. It's amazing to me just how much I love her. There are no words that I could ever say that would express the love I feel for her. She is AMAZING.

People Love Pee!!!

Ok. This is too funny. I had to blog about it. I have written many things in the past few months since Bob set me up with my blog. I've written about Maleah, God, family, friends, Columbus Day, and my multiple confessions (48 now). Apparently people like pee. My blog has been accessed through other links, like Bob's Blog, speakmanville.com, etc....but it has also been accessed by searches. In the last month, my blog has been found by people searching these exact phrases:

"pee soooo bad"

"couldn't hold it" pee

"had to pee" "hold it"


Apparently everyone has an infatuation with pee. I don't know what it is. It's funny that of the 5 searches that my blog has been hit with, peeing was the topic of 3 of them. The other 2 were "song-holy ground" and "my tonsils".

What is it about peeing? Then again...how many of my confessions were in regards to peeing??? Wow! Peeing, peeing, peeing.... :) Pretty funny stuff. ;)

Beautiful Girl

There's a movie they show on ABC Family called Beautiful Girl. A girl who is so comfortable with who she is has all she could ask for...a wonderful fiance, a fantastic job, great friends and family...and while trying on wedding dresses runs into a girl from high school who does pageants. She decides to enter the pageant to win a trip for her honeymoon. During the pageant process and the bickerings with this high school rival, she loses herself a bit. She becomes focused on her looks...on looking better...and forgets that just a short while ago she was perfectly content with who she was, and confident as could be.

That happens too often today. We may be perfectly happy being ourselves, until someone comes along that we allow to bother us. We stop focusing on what's important and begin to focus on things that in the end don't really matter at all. I'm guilty of this as much as anyone. People who know my story know that. It's tough. And plastering 100 lb. girls on every magazine doesn't help. But in the end, does it matter? Was it worth it?

I have a friend that I have always looked up to because she was comfortable with who she was. No one ever bothered her. She was confident and sure of herself. I desired that for my own life so badly as I went through various struggles. She was exactly what I wanted to be. I wanted that comfort and confidence in myself. I didn't want to worry about what other people thought or said.

Someday I'll get there. It's a struggle...but God's on my side. :)

Thanks for listening! :)

Confession #48

I was a sheltered child. And not in a bad way. I believe sheltering your children (to a degree) is a VERY good thing. How sheltered was I? I thought a period was something that happened in school when you changed classes. I thought S - E - X was kissing while naked. AND in "A Christmas Story" I didn't understand why Ralphie got in trouble for using the word "fudge". Nope I had NO clue. I didn't know what the "Eff-dash-dash-dash" word was that he referred to. I had no idea. I'd never heard it. I probably didn't even know the word until high school. Even then, I don't think I had everything completely figured out.

I appreciate that shelteredness. Today children know too much too soon. The question of the word never came up, wondering what it meant, because I had never heard it. I appreciate that so much.

Hopefully Maleah will keep her innocence too!

I still can't believe it took me THAT long to figure it out!

Confession #47

Spots on a mirror.

You like it? It's a new poem I am going to write.

I look into the mirror, and what do I see?
Spots! On the mirror, right in front of me!
These crazy little spots, they never go away!
I try to ignore them, I'll get them another day.
But they're always there, they won't leave me alone.
I see those spots every day, and I sigh and I moan.
I guess I'll get the Windex and give it a good clean.
I hate those stupid spots. You know, they're really mean!


Kidding. Totally joking. That's not it!

At home we always had spots on our mirrors in the bathroom. Not that they didn't get cleaned...it's just hard to keep a mirror clean with 2 working parents and 3 children. We had a large mirror above the bathroom sink, and another long mirror on the back of the door. I used to constantly pay attention to the spots that ended up on those mirrors. It was sometimes my job to clean them as part of our chores and I would just marvel at those spots. What was so incredibly fascinating about the spots? Nothing to anyone else. But to me...I couldn't get over the amazement that no matter where on the mirror I looked there were always 2 duplicated spots. It was AMAZING! How in the world did each spot on the mirror have a second spot right next to it that looked EXACTLY the same???? I was baffled. I truly believe that I was a teenager (and sad to say probably atleast 15) before I realized that I was seeing each spot's reflection in the mirror.

How have I ever survived with this idiocy???? I tell ya!

Confession #46

I am jealous of the girl across the street. I don't know her. Don't know her name. Don't know who she is, what she does. I know nothing about her. Well...almost nothing. You see, she brought home a brand new baby girl last Thursday. I have my beautiful Maleah...so why would I be jealous? Well, let me tell you! I saw her yesterday...as she was DRIVING AWAY. That's right. So why should THAT bother me? If you saw me right after we had Maleah you would know why. It took me 3 minutes just to get out of the car. And there she is, apparently getting along just fine. I hobbled around like a little old lady for 2 weeks after giving birth. Well, that's not true. Little old ladies were moving faster than I was. So I am jealous of the girl across the street because she's already back to normal. :( Hopefully my next experience will be...less painful than the last!

Keep Your Eyes on Jesus

This is just a little reminder. We probably don't hear it enough, though we've heard it before. We are supposed to live as Jesus lived...we are supposed to model our lives after him...However, inevitably, we will fail. We will let people down. Regardless of how much we go to church, we're all sinners. So don't look at me and judge the church, or others, just look at Jesus. People will let you down. It's a guarantee. They will fall. They are not perfect. Don't base your church-going decisions on them...what they have done, or haven't, or what they have said, or haven't....Base it upon Jesus. He's the one person that will never fail you. He is perfect. He is Holy. Keep your eyes on him...and you'll stay on the path God wants you on. Guarantee it.

Don't watch me. I'll let you down too.

There's a song they play on KLove. The lyrics begin like this:

Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection
Don't look at me I will only let you down
I'll do my best to point you in the right direction
But don't look at me
No, no, no
Don't look at me, look at Him

Holy Ground

We had our church dedication Sunday. During the service we sang the song "Holy Ground". I don't know what it is about that song, but it means soooo much to me. It's an awesome song, and I really feel God's presence all around me when we sing it. The last time we sang it was during our Easter service. It's an awesome song. I am totally in His presence when I hear it. I couldn't even sing the words, because if I started, the tears would flow. It felt like He was right there...standing right next to me. I truly believe I was standing in His presence.

Have you ever felt His presence? If not, I pray there will come a day you do...for it is an indescribable feeling to know He is right there...He is that close...There are no fears, worries...everything is washed away in that single moment...nothing else matters but Him.

Please take a moment, read these words...hopefully they touch you the way they do me.

HOLY GROUND

As I walked through the door I sensed his presence
And I knew this was a place where love abounds
For this is the temple, jehovah God abides here
And we are standing in his presence
On holy ground

We are standing on holy ground
And I know there are angels all around
Let us praise Jesus now
We are standing in his presence
On holy ground

In his presence there is joy beyond measure
And at his feet peace of mind can still be found
If you have a need, I know He has the answer
Reach out and claim it for we are standing
On holy ground

We are standing on holy ground
And I know there are angels all around
Let us praise, Jesus now
We we are standing in his presence
On holy ground


We are standing on holy ground
And I know there are angels all around
Let us praise, Jesus now
We we are standing in his presence
We we are standing in his presence
We we are standing in his presence
On holy ground

Thunderstorms

The weather currently outside is amazing. It's storming. Nice rumbles of thunder and dark gray clouds. I LOVE it! I cannot explain the serenity I feel when I see it get like this outside. Most people don't feel this way, but I do. I sit here and wonder just how many people hear that thunder and think of me....Not that I'm self-involved. It's just that people who KNOW me KNOW I LOVE thunderstorms. :) Maleah is MY girl...she loves them too! ;) I hear that thunder and think of her. :)

Matt & Chelsea

After many, many, MANY long years...it has finally happened! Matt and Chelsea are MARRIED!!!!!! Sometimes I think Bob and I have waited as long as they have for this moment! It was so incredible to see their lives change before my very eyes. Not that alot will. Their house has always been THEIR house. Decisions THEIR decisions. Not alot will be different for them. But there's something so amazing about calling someone your spouse that I just can't explain. They're awesome people. Totally amazing. I stood there as they got married Saturday (Maleah sleeping in my arms) and watched Bob as the best man as they went through the ceremony. I listened to every word (that I could hear, the fans were too loud at first) and thought of Bob and myself...and how all those vows spoken still apply to us today. He is my husband, but he is also my best friend. I caught him looking at me too, and knew he was listening and thinking of me. How far we've come in 6 years of marriage...how our relationship has grown, and our bond with one another tightened. We are now responsible for the beautiful baby girl I was holding in my arms. God is good. He is SO good.

Saturday was a very popular wedding day (7/7/07), but when I look back, I won't remember that. I'll remember them. Their joy. Their happiness. Their comfort. And just remember that THEIR time finally came. And that Matt danced. Wow! I couldn't believe that! :)

Matt...Chelsea...Congratulations! We love you guys!

Matt DANCED!

Confession #44

Singing...

As kids we loved to sing all the time. Didn't matter how bad we were at it. It was fun to do and that's what mattered. When I was really little I remember sitting on the porch swing at Carol's house in Marion, singing Sylvia songs at the top of our lungs (all about affairs...but we didn't know!). I'm sure we annoyed multiple people. :)

One July 4th we were outside, and continuously sang patriotic songs over and over and over again to the dismay of the neighbors. Ears were covered. Doors were shut. Tomatoes were thrown. Oh, wait, I went too far! Seriously though, it was SOOO bad that the neighbors across the street actually SHUT THEIR DOOR! Who would do that to poor children just having fun??? Poor us!

One time we were with Mary and we were singing the Ghostbusters song. That was alot of fun. When the song would get to the part that you are supposed to shout "Ghostbusters!" we would lift our arms in the air and shout "Smell my armpit!" Don't ask why. Apparently we thought it was hilarious. :) Takes little to amuse us. :)

And I can't forget that when it rained, I loved to sing about the ducks.

We are whippersnappers! We're in luck!
If it rains all week just pretend you're a duck!
Quack, Quack...Waddle, Waddle!
Quack, Quack...Waddle, Waddle!

Oh, good times.......

Confession #43

The Doc.

It was the winter of '04. Not a good one for me. I found myself sick alot. I had just gotten over another terrible sore throat episode, when my throat started bothering me AGAIN. I did my thing when I got home. Went to the bathroom. Took out the flashlight. Said AHHHHHH and checked things out. There were some white spots on my left tonsil. Great. Fantastic. Another dumb trip to the doctor if it didn't get better. The next day it hurt worse, the spots were still there, so I got in that afternoon. I went. The doc came in. He asked me what was going on. I told him I'd been having a terrible winter, sick alot, and my throat was bothering me again and I had white spots on my tonsil. He wanted to take a look. I said AHHHHH again...and he said...Nope, no infection. Just like that. So what are the white spots? Food. Stuck in my tonsil. Ew. Gross. Weird. Nasty. Those are the words that came to mind. Since then I've noticed my left tonsil will sometimes get large. When it gets large, that's when I have the problem with the food. I have to go into the bathroom, take a Q-tip and try to get it out. It hurts, it makes me gag, and, well, it's just plain gross. I know how disgusting it is, but I can't do anything about it. It only happens when that particular tonsil swells. He told me it's normal. I don't agree. I want these babies taken out!

I had a dream last night that I had to take the Q-tip, and this giant thing came out of my tonsil that was a good inch long, and 1/2 inch wide, and I showed my mom and she told me it was a tumor. I had to call an ear, nose and throat specialist and they were finally going to take my tonsils out. So weird. And gross. It hasn't escaped me just how gross this all is. But, hey, I just wrote it. You're the one that read it!

He never could explain my sore throat. Not a very good doctor!

A Rant

I am not a door mat. I am not a punching bag. I am not a person that you can just walk over to make yourself feel better. I hate conflict. I want everyone to get along. I bend over backwards to try to make people happy...smooth over rough patches. I want to make sure everyone is happy. I sometimes feel like I get beat up in the process. I am tired. I am frustrated. I want to be happy. I want everyone else to be happy. I'm a nice person. I'm not mean. I get along with almost everyone. I have comments made to me and I bite my tongue. I don't want to make anyone unhappy. I am tired of biting my tongue. I will defend myself. If you are sensitive about something, I am sorry. Just please don't kick me while you're down. I can hold a grudge. I hate feeling bad. I don't want to. I will let the grudge go, but please treat me well. I respect you. Respect me. That's all I ask.

I'm done.

Thanks for listening :)